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Nazhifah

August 31st

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Happy wedding anniversary, my forever love, Mama & Papa!

Friendship and Farewell

“The most beautiful discovery true friends make is that they can grow separately without growing apart.” – Elizabeth Foley


Its the time in life again; separation. This time, my most beloved friends from medical school are moving to Madiun and Wonogiri. Mixed emotions. Joy and sadness. When will we meet again?

I think one way or another, the friends I made during my journey in medical school have passed Aristotle’s three kinds of friendships. Friendships of utility, friendships of pleasure, and friendships of the good. Most being friendships of utility (because apparently, you couldn’t survive medical school without being helpful to others and take the time to use a helping hand and some extra learning hours from your smarter and kinder friends) and friendships of the good. Minding you that all people featured in this post are all my friends of the good. We shared mostly similar values, goals, dreams, and admirations towards one another.

Friendships are unique, don’t you think? You meet someone, you spent some time getting to know them, you found similarities, you found un-similarities and then you found yourself already caught up in between having fun and sharing your deepest dark secrets and eating ice cream together. Some friendships were made without you knowingly making them, like passing each other in the campus’ corridors, saying hi! and then you found yourself often having lunch together and got this feeling in your guts that this is someone I can trust and rely on. Some friendships often start with hardships, you found yourself in the mud of sadness and anxiety, with assignments falling like raindrops from here and there, a swimming pool full of exams and theories to master; another, someone, was also in the same mud and showered with the same rain and a member of the same swimming pool club. A once upon stranger befriended each other and found themselves surviving the same storms; growing together, becoming the better them. Friendships, friends are unique. The uniqueness I love having and sharing.

Then come along new tests, are you really a worthy friend? are your survival skill can overcome the storms of being distanced and away? are you going to always be there when needed and when not?

 The separation. 

There are separations that you know deep down is temporary and the are separations that you know is full-time and not gaining it back. It; being coming back together. These friendships with these friends that I have is definitely the first one. This separation is temporary. Being the generation that we are, I’m grateful for the technologies that have advanced so greatly that you can sense people who are far away as if they are near. One call away people, I want to label them, are always ready to respond to my whatever messages and phone calls. The type that doesn’t make you wait in anxiety; people who understand. As a friend, I’m trying to play my part really well in responding to their emergencies and un-emergencies. We all know that not being responded is the root of all heartaches and trust-declines, so let’s not let these people with beautiful hearts down.

Kebumen, Wonogiri, and Madiun sure are far, our bodies sure are apart, but our prayers and moral supports will always accompany each other. That way I know, our friendships will surpass whatever hardships and storms coming our way. And no, this separation is not us saying goodbye, this is not a farewell! Have faith and study hard, doctors! I’ll see you soon and bring Jogja to you.


Too bad I don’t have all the photos of my special people with me but these ones alone. But then again, that’s the beauty of my friendships with people that I love and hold dear in medical school; we don’t need photographs to explain the bond we have to each other. I love you, good people!


The Hotline Bling

“Late night when you need my love
Call me on my cell phone” – Drake


One had just finished his first clerkship rotation exam, one has just about to start her clerkship programme, one has just about to finish her undergraduate degree. The dynamics of our friendship does not end there, it has only just begun.

What constitutes a great friendship? Is it the frequency of meeting each other? For having a shared interest? Or having the same dark fears and struggles in life? It is trust and understanding.

These two future doctors are among the few beautiful human beings I have the luck to meet in Jogja. CU is currently doing his clerkship in Kebumen, Verlita will soon follow in Madiun and me, eventually, will follow later this year insyaAllah in Madiun as well. The three of us met in 2014, got sorted into the same discussion group in 2015 and clicked with each other right away. We went out almost every night to eat and just tell each other stories and listening to each other. Regardless of our personalities’ differences, they hear me, I hear them. They understand. With some people, you can talk and try sharing things that punch you in the heart but they don’t usually listen to you, let alone understand. They can pretend, of course, but deep down you know they don’t really care.

The Hotline Bling, we call ourselves, haven’t had a proper dinner since early this year; CU is in town so Verlita and he decided to come to pick me up and go out to eat. Today is actually the first day I went out since being discharged from the hospital. It was nice, we went to my favourite restaurant (CU decided to compromised his longing for Japanese foods and comply with my craving for western ones, Verlita was good with both options). I opted to dress in a long-sleeves black T-Shirt and topped it with a black midi short-sleeves dress with slit, grey trousers, houndstooth scarves and black wedges (forgot to take full body picture). Coincidentally, the two of them were also dressed in dark outfits, Verlita in her navy blouse and CU in his black polo shirt topped with a navy sweater (we forgot to take a proper picture, only selfies).


The 3-hour long dinner was filled with updates on each other lives, we were surprised with how things happened and how we faced it, how each of us overcame our problems. We discussed a lot of things, medicine and life-related. I like it with them that they do not push me or trying to correct me on doing things that I did, or how I responded to those things. They listened and nodded and I knew they understand. Isn’t it lovely, to have someone to truly listen to you? These two were brutally honest too, so I don’t see why not let the words flow and see how they react, so yes, we’re very honest. Boy, they let their words flow, too! If our dinner table was a bowl that could fill up with words, it would surely overflow.

The discussion led us to several conclusions, but the one I remember the most is: adapting and keeping yourself well-tempered regardless of what situation life puts you in is how you win. Since the number of stressors we face as medical students is already mountain-high, how we behave ourselves to our co-workers and people around us (family, friends, significant someone, the patients, people you meet at campus and hospital) have to always be good, even though it’s difficult sometimes to maintain such attitude. They also said that it does not matter how smart you are, if your attitude sucks, it will not take you anywhere, and that’s true. It is also a sign of maturity, being the bigger person. When you function only based on your good-moods, bad-moods, let’s just count on how many people you’re going to lose, even people who love you must be tired to watch such pattern of behaviour habitually and have to always put up with such grisly way of running a life. You lose people not because you don’t pay enough attention to them, you lose people because you only focus on what suits you best.


In the end, I thank you for sharing your thoughts, taking the time to listen carefully and not judging what each other said, to nurture each other, for having great taste in music and always in the mood for food! We’re going to be the best version of ourselves during our study and great doctors in the future insyaAllah. I’m happy and full and I left a chocolate bar in the car because I love you guys!

Acceptance of The Now and New Short-Term Goals

“I am my mother’s novel daughter: I have my duty to perform.”


These last few months had not been easy for me. I have conquered some of my fears and built up new ones. I have made some new friends and lost the old ones, but most importantly I have let go of my demons. I have learned to grow.

The idea of being a medical doctor to me was the only idea that matters most, one that should be taking place soon, the only idea that has to be put into perfection. Getting to know how a disease happens and the possible ways to treat it is what I really want to dig deep into, regardless of what I have involved myself in university life. Not getting things done according to my timetable sucks, I haven’t achieved anything medicine related lately (like getting my thesis presented), but, God has plans and I have to comply.

It was hard, however, to accept the situation God has decreed for me to have at this moment in life. Nevertheless, I’m so lucky to be surrounded by my parents and friends who are so supporting, understanding, and nice. The thing is that… you just gotta accept what is coming your way, after all the attempts, prayers and sweats, it is what it is. Be patient and stay hopeful.

I have come to the realization and have accepted that maybe I’m not so smart, unlike my other friends, but I want to be a doctor and I will try my hardest to become a good one.

Saya tidak pintar, tapi saya mau!


I have set some new short-term goals (some are long term), achievable ones, ones that can be measured before I continue my study The Clerkship alias Co-Assistant (estimated: November 2018), among many are:

  1. Be nicer to mom and dad, after all, they’re the only living humans who would do literally anything for my happiness and well-being.
  2. Fix my vertical relationship with God.
  3. Re-read and take notes on my preclinical books and presentations.
  4. Write at least 4 blog posts a month, write more poetries.
  5. Work or be an intern, if the time before clerkship is enough to do so.
  6. Frequently visit Bantul to see how Mama Piara is doing now that Tita is moving to Madiun to do her clerkship.
  7. Learn to cook edible and delicious foods, that being said; eat more vegetables and drink more fresh fruit juices!
  8. Teach younger kids or my juniors medicine/biology-related lessons (or any other lessons, really) for free.
  9. Take more beautiful photos and smile more.
  10. Have my own business. Or partnered to have one.
  11. Speak more English, learn more Latin (by reading Sobotta and memorizing human anatomy like its easy; 1 month = 1 book) and try learning French at least 2 words a day (before taking serious class after internship insyaAllah).
  12. Save more money, buy less, cook more, make more of something on my own.
  13. Take a better care of my body, my skin, and my hair.
  14. Call home more frequently, give encouragements and motivations to my younger cousins and speak more to Oma about all the good things in the world. Talk more politics with Papa, Papa Oni, Papa Han, Papa Ferry. Have more heart to heart talk with Mama and Tante Heni.
  15. Spend times for my best friends whenever they need someone to talk to or to cheer up their days. Basically just reach out to them before they do to me; understand that the amount of stress clerkship put to them is heavier than my not-yet-co-assisting life.
  16. Go somewhere nice, alone. A solo trip!

Anyway, I got sick a few days back. Got myself laying on a hospital bed because of Typhoid Fever. I need to really be careful about picking foods to eat, this was the second time I have to be hospitalized for the same cause. Photos were taken a day before being discharged, hence the happy face. Friends who came were all so nice, they brought foods and jokes. The nurses and doctors who took care of me were all amazing, I couldn’t thank them enough.

Moral of the story: be fit, watch carefully what you eat, being sick costs you more money than being healthy.

Special thank you to Inov and Naela for always being there whenever I’m sick, Team Hooray, to Tika and Eka for the never-ending support via the phone! Also Prita and Verlita who made the time to accompany me the last night in the hospital and had to sleep in a very limited space. Thank you to everyone who came and visited and all those who prayed for my recovery. Cheers!

Kemungkinan-kemungkinan

Beberapa hari ini saya kerap mengulangi skenario-skenario lama di kepala saya dan harapan-harapan yang dulu ada tentang beberapa hal. Kemungkinan-kemungkinan.

Kemudian saya kecewa dengan diri sendiri. Betapa sombongnya diri ini karena sempat merasa berhak akan sesuatu yang jelas bukan milik saya. Saya pikir, diri sendiri saja bukan milik saya, mengapa harus merasa memiliki yang lain? Mengapa harus merasa tinggi? Lagi pula, Allah pasti akan memberikan yang memang sudah tertulis untuk saya di waktu yang tepat. Mungkin kalau tidak di dunia, maka di surga nanti; atau mungkin diberikan di dunia dan di surga… kalau saya benar-benar baik, kalau saya berhasil membuktikan bahwa saya hamba yang taat.

Lalu saya berdoa. Have mercy on me. Tapi Allah SWT memang Maha Pengasih, Maha Penyayang. Segala sesuatu yang telah dan akan terjadi dalam hidup saya semua karena izin Allah. Saya tidak perlu khawatir.


Masih terkait dengan postingan saya bulan lalu, cobaan-cobaan saya di dunia (sekarang) masih berporos pada kepala saya sendiri. Terlalu banyak skenario, mungkin ini, mungkin itu, nanti gini, nanti gitu… lalu muncul ketakutan-ketakutan. Lelah sebenarnya harus berjibaku dengan itu lagi, itu lagi, setiap hari, hampir setiap waktu… Tapi saya sudah punya mantra baru. Doakan saya berhasil shut down forever the demons living inside my gyruses, ya!

Maktub

It is written. Yakinlah akan jalan yang kamu pilih ini.

Slaves

In the 1800s in Rio de Janeiro, there was such a high demand from Muslim slaves in Brazil for Arabic Qurans that one bookseller imported over 100 Qurans per year to sell to the local slaves. The slaves would spend years doing extra work to pay for them.

Postingan ini sebenarnya dibuat setelah berdiskusi dengan Putri di Auditorium Kahar Mudzakir hari ini. Jadi, tadi kami bicara tentang our daily struggle to get out of the room and face the world; sesuatu yang mungkin bagi sebagian orang bukan sebuah masalah besar. Kalau anda mengikuti blog saya dulu, saya pernah menulis tentang my battle with GAD; bagaimana isi kepala saya kebanyakan waktu dan apa saja yang mungkin dapat memicu dan mengeksaserbasi kecemasan saya.

Putri dan saya akhirnya mengambil kesimpulan bahwa mungkin, inti dari keadaan kami yang selalu cemas adalah cara Allah untuk membuat kami rely on Him. Ada yang diuji Allah dengan cara mengambil fungsi anggota geraknya, ada yang diuji Allah dengan cara membuat dia kehilangan hartanya, ada yang diuji dengan kekayaannya, sedang kami, Putri dan saya; diuji dengan isi-isi kepala kami sendiri.

Mengerti tugas diciptakan menjadi manusia di muka bumi ini apa dan sadar bahwa saya, anda, kita semua adalah pelayan Allah. We’re all His servants. We’re all His slaves. And that is the most beneficial thing that could ever happen to any of us.

Dalam perjalanan menjadi pelayan ini memang rasanya banyak yang harus dikorbankan, makanya Qolbu ini perlu sering disiram dengan hal-hal yang baik dan orang-orang yang baik. Tulisan ini dibuka dengan ilustrasi zaman dahulu dimana para budak di Brazil rela bekerja lebih lama, lebih banyak hanya untuk membeli sebuah Al-Quran. Kalau mereka memiliki willpower yang begitu kuat untuk mengetahui, mempelajari, mencoba mengerti agama Islam, agama Allah; mengapa saya yang cobaan hidupnya masih sangat cetek ini masih malas untuk belajar? Mengapa masih sulit menjadi sabar?

Usia 20 Tahun Lebih Sedikit

Kalau berbicara tentang waktu, saya tidak begitu berani. Sampai saat ini masih tidak terlalu pintar fisika dan tidak terlalu filosofis. Mungkin mengerti sedikit perbedaan pendapat Aristoteles dan Galileo/Newton dan beberapa rumus yang dipelajari di bangku SMP dan SMA serta menyukai Einstein, jadi saya coba mengutip ini,

Dalam teori relativitas, tak ada waktu mutlak yang unik; tiap individu punya pengukuran waktu sendiri yang bergantung kepada tempat dan cara geraknya.

Usia saya mungkin hampir 21 tahun kalau diukur dengan waktu universal, yang berarti saya sudah hidup di dunia selama kira-kira 6,596e+8 seconds, tapi kalau menggunakan pengukuran saya pribadi, merasa hidup atau pengalaman saya hidup, mungkin bisa lebih atau kurang daripada itu.

Bayi

Manusia lahir ke bumi melalui perantara manusia lain, besih, tanpa noda, tanpa dosa. Pada masa awal kehidupan, sekitar 2-3 minggu awal implantasi blastokista; bakal manusia, fetus, berukuran hampir mikroskopik. Bakal manusia itu kemudian tumbuh, tumbuh hingga mencapai panjang sekitar 53cm pada minggu ke 40.

Hal pertama yang dilakukan manusia-manusia kecil yang dijuluki bayi itu adalah bernafas. Bayi perlu bernafas karena kelahiran berarti terputusnya hubungan plasenta dengan ibu. Ibu; perantara hidup bayi selama kurang lebih 9 bulan itu kini tidak lagi bisa menyokong metabolismenya.  Bayi mulai bernafas ketika terpapar dunia luar, perbedaan suhu mengakibatkan pendinginan kulit kemudian menimbulkan impuls sensorik, biasanya terjadi 1 menit setelah lahir. Ada pula bayi-bayi yang tidak langsung bernafas, tubuhnya progresif menjadi hipoksik, bayi terlihat membiru, dan gasping for air — akhirnya memberikan stimulus pada pusat pernafasan di otak dan biasanya menyebabkan bernafas beberapa menit pasca kelahiran.

Bayi itu kemudian tumbuh, diberi ASI ekslusif bagi yang beruntung dan susu formula bagi yang belum bisa merasakan kenikmatan tersebut. Selama 6 bulan, ayah dan ibu, atau ibu saja, menyusui bayi, memerah air susu untuk si bayi, menyimpan hasil perahan yang telah dilabeli di lemari pendingin, memastikan asupan gizi ibu cukup agar gizi bayi cukup. Pada tahap awal ini, ibu-ibu yang bekerja kemungkinan besar sedang mengambil cuti, lelah pasca persalinan perlahan menghilang tapi lelah-lelah lainnya mulai bermunculan. Ibu lelah tidak tidur cukup karena bayi menangis. Ayah lelah tidak tidur cukup karena ibu lelah bayi menangis. Ibu kelelahan memerah air susu, air susu lelah keluar. Bayi menangis. Tapi lelah ibu, lelah ayah, menghilang saat bayi tertawa. Saat bayi mulai berusaha untuk menyampaikan sesuatu, dengan mulutnya, dengan matanya, dengan anggota geraknya.

Sekarang bayi sudah bisa mendapatkan pendamping ASI. Ibu memilih untuk memasak sendiri. Menu pertama mungkin formula telur, dimasak dengan beras, bayam, minyak, garam dan air; yang setelah masak diblender halus atau disaring halus. Ibu melihat ekspresi bayi, kalau suka, ibu catat, minta ayah ingatkan. Kemudian ibu akan mengenalkan makanan-makanan lain untuk bayi. Ibu dan ayah berdoa agar bayi tidak alergi.

Ibu dan ayah membuat buku tumbuh kembang bayi. Ayah bertugas memotret dan merekam bayi ketika sedang lucu maupun ketika tidak. Ibu mengingatkan ayah besok bayi harus divaksinasi. Ayah mengemudikan mobil, ibu dan bayi duduk di kursi belakang; kata ayah, biar lebih aman. Bayi divaksinasi, ibu yang hampir menangis. Ayah melihat ibu, melihat bayi, menenangkan ibu, tersenyum pada dokter. Bayi sekarang sudah imunisasi lengkap; hepatitis, BCG, polio, DPT, HiB, PCV, rotavirus dan campak. Ibu dan ayah merasa aman. Bayi sehat.

Bayi sekarang berusia satu tahun. Ibu dan ayah senang, membagikan bingkisan dan makanan untuk tetangga, keluarga dan anak-anak di panti asuhan. Bayi masih belum mengerti banyak hal, tapi telah mengerti bahwa ibu adalah ibu dan ayah adalah ayah. Bayi memangil ibu, mamaah, memanggil ayah, dadaah. Ayah bilang, nanti kalau sudah lebih besar baru kita ajarkan untuk memanggil ibu dan ayah. Ayah bercanda, atau mau dipanggil ummi dan walid? Ibu tertawa, kata ibu, dipanggil ayah-ibu, papa-mama, ummi-walid tidak masalah, terserah bayi nanti, yang penting kita baik, bayi baik, bayi sayang.

Bayi, ayah dan ibu kemudian tumbuh bersama. Ayah mengajarkan bayi hal-hal. Ibu mengajarkan bayi hal-hal. Ayah dan ibu mengajarkan bayi kasih sayang. Mereka terus begitu hingga bayi tumbuh menjadi anak, anak tumbuh menjadi remaja, remaja menjadi dewasa. Dewasa kemudian menikahi manusia lain yang baik, menjadi ayah, menjadi ibu, memiliki bayi dan mengajarkan bayi hal-hal, mengajarkan bayi kasih sayang.


Postingan in sebenarnya saya buat karena saya sedang ingin sekali cepat menikah lalu punya anak. Ya, sangat pragmatis sebenarnya, dipikir punya anak gampang apa? Padahal calon suami juga belum punya yang pasti… tapi namanya juga keinginan, kadang suka datang dan menetap semaunya. Ngomong-ngomong soal anak, kalau diberi rezeki sama Allah, saya ingin punya 6 orang, nanti yang perempuan namanya harus dari 4 kata, dan yang laki-laki namanya terdiri dari 3 kata. Kenapa begitu? karena… ada deh, hehehe, rasanya lebih baik saya simpan dulu sampai muncul pembicaraan serius tentang anak dengan suami saya nanti.

Rencana berkeluarga sebenarnya sudah saya masukan di timeline hidup, perkiraan menikah kapan, perkiraan punya anak pertama tahun berapa, anak kedua mengikuti kapan, anak ketiga, anak keempat, anak kelima, anak keenam… Hal-hal lain juga sudah saya masukan di life-plan tersebut. Misalnya, harus menabung berapa banyak tiap bulan biar bisa bayar nikahan sendiri (walaupun in the end of the day, papa mama saya pasti akan kukuh untuk membiayai, atau mungkin keluarga calon suami saya, tapi saya rasa lebih aman untuk punya saving sendiri. Hitung-hitung untuk safety dan misal tidak digunakan bisa dipakai untuk lanjut sekolah atau bayar biaya anak sekolah, or even better, buat investasi lain lah ya, hehehe). Perihal tabungan khusus ini sudah saya mulai dari tahun lalu, terlebih karena bank tempat saya menabung memiliki fasilitas auto-debit, jadi tiap bulan otomatis di “tarik” sendiri oleh pihak bank. Kemudian rencana melanjutkan sekolah, metode mendidik anak, baiknya anak dimasukan ke sekolah mana, saya mau jadi ibu seperti apa, sampai body wash yang akan saya gunakan untuk anak-anak saya dan printilan-printilan lain juga sudah terpikirkan. Bismillah, semoga rencana-rencana saya diridhoi Allah ya… Aaamiinn YRA.

Biasanya, kalau sedang curhat ke mama saya, beliau sering bilang, “sabar dan berdoa.” Jurus jitu sih, dua hal tersebut… Dari sekian banyak hal yang dapat dilakukan, dua langkah sederhana tapi besar ini adalah pantulan iman yang sebenarnya. Iya, sekarang saya hanya bisa sabar dan berdoa… serta menikmati dan mensyukuri hidup! Pekerjaan menunggu akan terasa biasa saja atau bahkan menyenangkan kalau kamu menikmatinya!

*postingan ini diperbarui tanggal 30/08/2018

Melihat Malam Bulan Juni

Bulu matamu, padang ilalang

Teringat masa kecil saat bermain bola di bawah purnama

Di jalan menuju rumah

Bahasa baru

 

Seribu kunang-kunang di Jakarta

Belajar berenang

Mengurus surat keterangan hilang

Pulang ke dapur Ibu

 

Hujan turun sepanjang jalan

Ketika jari-jari bunga terbuka

Sepasang sepatu tua

Di beranda waktu hujan

 

Kupandang kelam yang merapat ke sisi kita

Di restoran

Aku tidak pernah betul-betul pulang

Sepasang matamu

 

Dalam doaku

Bunga-bunga di halaman

Cahaya bertebaran

Yang fana adalah waktu


 

Diatas adalah daftar puisi favorit saya dari 3 pujangga kenamaan Indonesia; Sapardi Djoko Damono, Aan Mansyur dan Joko Pinurbo. Kumpulan puisi dari ketiga pujangga diatas yang ada di rak buku saya meliputi; Hujan Bulan Juni, Malam Ini Aku Akan Tidur di Matamu, Tidak Ada New York Hari Ini dan Melihat Api Bekerja.

Saya suka bagaimana sastra bekerja. Bagaimana seseorang bisa menciptakan cerita miliknya sendiri dari sisa-sisa kata orang lain. Dalam hal ini, puisi milik saya diatas, dari judul-judul puisi milik orang lain, saya merangkai cerita saya sendiri.

People of Introspection

am I doing right?