This might be the contrary to previous post but I think the sole reason why I named this blog The History Taking was because I want honest stories, the ones you tell your doctor about so that s/he will try to cure you the best way s/he can, so here it goes. I know people get seasonal depression, or that a lot of people are living with GAD; but its different story when it is you.
Having constant worries about a lot of things, the sudden urge to cry alone at night, the scary thought upon making an appointment with a doctor, the need to always or at least; often feel loved by people you cared for, the thought about maybe you will leave zero things for your parents to miss you about, the worries about school, medical school co-assistant, the not yet done undergraduate thesis, the worries about having to spent your money for unexpected things, the thought about next month's finance when its just the first day of this month, the worry about what if you got sick, the thought of living alone, the thought of dying alone and nobody knows... the endless worries; its like a haywire, right here in my brain.
I do not know when my anxiety started, maybe when I was getting non-stop stresses from the headmistress in my old high school, or when I lead that one campus organisation. I don't know exactly when but my doctor told me, the anxiety could be formed by many life events that give much marks to my self. It could be from many childhood memories I have now starting to forget, like, the almost 5 years of being bullied in elementary school. Or as simple yet complicated as love story, or the unfulfilled ambitions. Maybe even from hearing a news about bombing somewhere in Middle East or spent too much time studying about it.
Funny thing about having a GAD is that when you told some people, they will look at you in the eye and told you maybe you haven't done enough praying. Some people will tell you to just calm down, which is technically what you would do if you could. Some people just told you that you're being manic, and they will laugh. I forgive them though, maybe they just don't understand. Because the traffic here in my mind is never ending, its like the traffic jams in Jakarta, India and China combined; but mostly I just covered it up by making un-funny jokes or try to laugh. Other times, I just told them sorry for being so dramatic and energised; I just had my lunch or sorry, I became more chatty and often mumbling unnecessary details about unnecessary things when things seem awkward or maybe I told them, sorry, I just don't feel good, I have this bad feeling, I don't know. Believe me, in my head, I get all sorts of possibilities going on. Does this, will this, is this, is this is this, is this, what does this means, what does this, what, how, how, why, why, how, what if, can I, am I, is she, does he, will us, can we... but, but, but, maybe, I mean, I think, maybe, but, remember that one time, no, no, relax, relax, relaaaaaxxxxx, astagfirullah, astagfirullah, close your eyes, breathe.
I don't know. I don't even know why I'm writing this. Too often, these worries reduce my quality of life. I rarely could live in the moment. Yes, praying helps. Yes, eating right helps. Yes, running helps. Yes, reading good books in a dimmed room with suitable cold temperature helps. Humans, the walking creatures with their own thoughts, judgments and ideals, sometimes do not. Sadly, other people are just variables I cannot control, and to worry about things (even though I do not want to) that mostly related to other people's behaviour or judgment is tiring, but I think this is my reality now; but I'm healing. Tomorrow, I should not be worried about anything but God. Tomorrow, I will.