The Endless Circle of Doubts

More often than sometimes I’m stuck in the endless circle of self-doubt and fear of unable to do good and be enough. For instance, I have been holding back from my undergraduate thesis defense for weeks now. It’s crazy how I was once a brave young woman and now I’m turning into this horrible coward.

The fear does not only haunt me from that area alone (academic) but pretty much in all aspects of how I live my life now. I am sadly unable to enjoy life much as I did before. Even my parents have been giving me ideas to go on a vacation somewhere, to refresh my mind and rethink of what really matters; but I refused. I refused mainly because I’m afraid that the trip wouldn’t be as fun as my parents expected to be (not that I’m going with them, but their thought that my “voyage” will be fun) or that I will only spend money on things I’m currently not fond of doing. I want to: want to go because I want to go.

Most of my time was spent reading books and sleeping. I have read the same book twice in the span of 3 months. As of now, I’m reading Anne Frank’s Diary of A Young Girl again because it gives me the exhilaration of Anne’s spirit: how she stayed and continued to be herself (changed in some ways) in spite of having to be in hiding from hateful people with some people she fancied not. Books help, at least they give me something, new knowledge, make me more grateful, giving me escape.

I leave my room only when necessary… like when I buy the groceries and when I have to go to families to do some help. The sun irritates me, it’s too shiny and too happy; something I am not, that is why I do grocery shopping after Maghrib. Grocery shopping cheers me up, actually. I always look forward to doing it, don’t exactly know why, but maybe looking at products with beautiful colors and checking things off the groceries list give me satisfaction (and I haven’t been satisfied with real things, lately, not that doing grocery shopping is not a real thing… but you understand). When visiting families I do it in the daytime because at least seeing them makes me feel a bit better about myself, somehow, they made me feel better. I think that’s why I call them my family (both blood-related and not).

On the other hand, I don’t fancy going out with people nor discussing topics I used to love before. There are many invitations from my friends and some new people I know to go out together, but many I turned down because I’m very… selective these days. I mostly go out with people who get me; not rushing me with questions and keep up with me because they’re sincere. I still visit my friends, though. I visited a friend recently for her thesis defense, I visited my friends in their coffee shop, visited my friend from hometown in her graduation… they cheered me up, it’s nice. Then, there are topics I used to love but not anymore, for example, Haruki Murakami; he just published his new book and I’m nowhere near excited to read it, maybe because the “aftertaste” of his works often left me in more miseries and questions. I also don’t like discussing politics anymore, they can all say whatever they want, but as far as I concern, as long as I make my vote, my civic duty is done and that is what matters. Also, discussing what specialty I’m going to partake in the future does not do good to my heart. I haven’t even been in clinical clerkship and to be so sure about that choice right now is making my head spin. How can one be so sure? Certainly not when they’re me. I just hope I can learn so much from clinical clerkship and do good with my knowledge, what specialty and why, let’s not discuss about it right now. And then there are other things that I prefer not to write here.

I wouldn’t want to put the blame on others, though. It is all on me. I just hope this phase will end soon (if this is a phase). I don’t know… I’m just going to write everything here so that one day I’ll look back to this “life: documented”; an online archive of my life story and have more to be thankful for; because I will be happier. 

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