The perks of living alone in a far off city?
You get stressed out, somehow recover and then you adapt.
*quoted from Sydney Uni sport and fitness flyer.
After living a long 2,5 years alone in Yogyakarta, I get to get things done on my own. I also make the better judgment about people, whom I can trust, whom I should only associate myself with for professional issues, whom I should not let to even peek into my inner circle and to my life in general.
The most important thing that I have to value in my all-alone life in Jogja is… self-love, self-compassion. Because sometimes, in order to get things done effectively, I became too hard on myself. even uglier, when things didn’t go the way as I expected, I always cursed myself to death, mock myself and became angry with my own, usually-sad self. It hit me very hard last month when almost nothing in my life went in order. goals falling apart, grades seemingly wanting to dive themselves in the deepest of the ocean, fucked-up organizations life, non-existence love-life that seemed to be very stressful that I have null idea why and the never-ending cycle of wants and needs that somehow seemed unfulfillable. I tried to reach to people that close to me but then I felt like it wasn’t the issue. they were not the issue. the issue, the problem is within me. I have come far enough until I realized that I was having all the problems then because I never enjoy, like, really enjoy doing every single one of them, it almost felt like I was being told to, being forced to do things I did. Being the almost-perfectionist and the eternal pessimistic person that I am, I always feel pressured every day, and funny enough, I was doing it to myself. After several weeks of wanting to beat my self to death, I went to have several talks with people I trust the most, and I came to the conclusion that; 1) I’m bored with the routine I used to love 2) I lack in engaging with newer activities 3) I don’t have a stable relationship with God 4) I’m too rough with myself –the inner self-war has never been officially over since I don’t know when it started.
One of the people I talked to told me that I need to make peace with myself, forgiving Nazhifah Junia. And truth to be told, I think I really need to do that. I have been in constant war with myself, for not being able to get things I think I need, for unable to reach the goals I have set, for not being properly ready for things I thought I deserved. I did some reading on the topic of self-love, and that brought me into the article written by David R. Hamilton, Ph.D, Mr. Hamilton told us that in order to reach self-love, one must go through 3 phases. 1st phase is realizing that one is not enough; some people spend a large amount of their time stuck in this phase (I guess, me as well), and the manifestation the 1st phase is lacking in confidence, frequently doubting self-worth, having a hard time to stand up for themselves; basically just questioning everything in life they doubt they can be or do. then, came the 2nd phase; I’ve had enough. Just like the name, during this phase one feels like s/he has had enough, like YAUDAH SIH GUE CAPEK KAYAK GINI MULU (in Bahasa) or like, this is it! I’m not backing down anymore, I have to change this, whatever this is. This phase characterized with passion and determination to actually change, like surrounding one’s self with people that will bring betterment for their lives, involving self in newer activities, some even travel during this phase. After that, the 3rd phase: I am enough! this phase manifests with no more struggling to be liked or to be accepted, more often it’s called as the stage of authenticity. The people who are already in this stage are very easy to spot, Mr. Hamilton wrote that they have their own inner glow and are kind, they don’t convince you of their good points or achievements, instead, they take an active interest in others. I’m privileged to know some people who are at this stage.
I think, I’m somewhere in between phase one and two. I hope it will be over soon so that I can move on to phase three and can really start to love myself and help others who might go through the same just like I am today. At least, I have learned that by shifting love and attention internally, leads to self-compassion and it heals, moreover, self-love leads to forgiveness; of ourselves and of others. Plus, if I don’t love my self, who else will?
as one of my favorite poets; Charles Bukowski said…
“If you have the ability to love, love yourself first.”